Stuck in a Rut

I was stuck in a rut. I knew I was stuck. I thought that knowing I was stuck would help me get out of the rut. But it didn’t. I watched as busy people, people with meaningful lives, hurried past me, busy with their meaningfulness. All the while I was stuck with my head poking out of the ground, hopelessly watching their retreating backs.

Stuck-in-a-Rut (1)

I was stuck in a rut. I was doing the bare minimum; enough that my life looked alright but I invested the least amount of energy possible. I was stuck in my rut and I didn’t know how to get out.

So I hauled myself and my baby off to NY on an overnight bus ride.  I was looking for change, for motivation, for an escape from the tediousness of routine.

Friday morning I went to the Ohel.  I had with me a letter I had written to the Rebbe four years previously and somehow had never had the opportunity to hand it in. Standing at the Ohel, balancing the car seat  with a sleeping baby inside on the ledge, I read the old letter. 

Four years ago was a confusing time for me. I doubted everything. I questioned everything. I challenged the foundations of everything I had been raised with. I rebelled. The rebellion hurt, though. I wanted answers, I just didn’t know where to find them. So I wrote to the Rebbe. Because that’s what I was taught to do. Because even at the height of all the pain and confusion I still wanted to believe.

For years later I can look back with the clarity of hindsight an realize that all my questions have been answered. Whatever I had asked for in my personal life had been fulfilled. The Rebbe had answered my letter. Granted, it took time, but I got them. The Rebbe answered all of my questions.

My rut was shrinking. I was beginning to see more than just people’s ankles.

On Sunday I met up with a friend for lunch. She drank coffee, I ate a bagel. She asked me about my creative life. I smiled bashfully; my creative life had ceased to exist. I immediately had to defend myself and explain that while I was hanging out in my rut I had come to the conclusion that it was imperative that I continue writing. I had made an ambitious declaration that I would write a blog post once a week. It didn’t matter what I wrote about and it didn’t have to be perfect, it just had to be written.

My friend wisely reminded me that it’s about letting go of my inhibitions, freeing myself  of worrying about what others think. It doesn’t matter what they think. They don’t make me who I am, I cannot let them control me. I can only succeed if I’m not afraid to express myself, to be vulnerable  to be uninhibited. 

A breath of fresh air. I now had one foot out of my rut. It was time to say goodbye to it.

The band called 8th Day helped me pull my second foot free. The stood me up and sent me running forward to live my life. Perhaps next week I will explain in a post titled All You Got.

Posted on December 19, 2012, in moral of the story and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Sarale, I found your blog yesterday . . . and gave it up for dead. Today, I see that not only have you posted, but you changed the theme! (Which is chaval, but your choice.)

    BTW, I think I remember you from BC, if I recall correctly. 😉

    Hm, a rut. I think everyone is stuck in a rut, to some degree or other. (Except me, of course.)

    • I can happen that we exchange one rut for another one instead of completely freeing ourselves. I think the idea is to leave them all behind, not to get stuck in anything, to be able to do what we need to without limiting ourselves to definitions, boxes, or labels of any kind.

      • Right – but who do you know who isn’t stuck in a rut? (Besides the Rebbe, etc.) I think the question is what kind of rut – long or short, deep or shallow, and what the rut is about. And even when it seems like your friend isn’t in a rut, I am not sure that is true, either. She’s either not in a rut as deep as yours, or she’s not aware of the rut she’s in, which is even worse. Golus, in and of itself, is a rut, as is the golus mindset. Now – what’s geula, and what’s a geula mindset? That remains to be seen . . .

  2. Yay! A post from Sarale! Your still around here . 🙂
    Glad your swimming through the waves again
    Miss ya!

  3. Came across your post I commend you for pressing through. I know how tough it is to stick to your commitments to yourself, all the while having limited energy to do so. Continue to write, for again it’s your goal and internal satisfaction we can (readers all enjoy). Smiles

  4. Appreciating the hard work you put into your site and in depth information you present.
    It’s awesome to come across a blog every once in a while that isn’t the same outdated rehashed material.

    Excellent read! I’ve saved your site and I’m adding your RSS feeds to my Google account.

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